Now that both the kids are involved in outside studies I have to admit I feel lost. I have decided time for yourself is a much overrated thing. It's not that I want someone to fill up my days, I am quite capable of doing that myself, it is the fear that I finally have to take charge of my own life that is paralyzing. I have spent time agonizing over uni and TAFE courses playing the time-to-pick-a-new-career game but the exercise leaves me feeling flat. I have made the bold decision to stick to my dream of writing and see how I go. My husband is supportive but I am sure somewhere underneath his bravado is the wish that I would be happy with a nine-to-five job. I have been there, and done that, and I loved it at the time, but now it feels so far in the past that I have no desire to bring it into the present and it's definitely not how I want to picture the future. Does that make me selfish?
Maybe, but what I have found is that by making the decision to write I am now more content to look for jobs. It is amazing what a change in perspective can do. Instead of looking for a career job I am happy to look for part time work to subsidize our household income whilst allowing me time to pursue what feels right for me. Are there doubts? Heaps, but don't we have to decide at some stage in our lives that life is for living not enduring? I have so many friends that seem to live for Friday and that saddens me. If so much time is spent at work shouldn't it be doing something we love or at least something we can get a bit enthusiastic about?
Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I have things a little confused. Maybe my husband has screwed with my head, but I really don't want to change my thinking. Adrian loves his job. He enjoys his weekends but he never grizzles about Mondays or extra work and I know when I ran my massage business I felt the same way so I can't help but think that is what having a job is all about. I know there are cases where people feel forced to accept any job they can get and I feel a strange admiration for people that persist with jobs they hate because they feel obligated to do so, but I have a much greater admiration for people that take the chance to follow their dreams and apply themselves to what feels right for them. I want to be one of those people, I just hope I don't chicken out and follow the more acceptable path.
I encourage every body with a dream to follow it, especially my kids, now it is time to listen to my own advice,
stare down the fear and get on with life.